Can you really be friends with an ex?
Most people would look at my relationship with my ex and consider that we were on really good terms and would actually consider us friends. Is that because most ex husbands and wives hate each other and we appear to have bucked the trend or can you really be friends with an ex?
We had a truly hideous break up, it was like an Eastenders plot. At eight months pregnant, I hacked my then husbands phone and found conclusive evidence of his affair. I, after the initial shock, wanted to try and work things out whereas he sat me down and told me how many different affairs he'd had. Anyway, we stumbled on through the birth of our daughter and he eventually left when she was 3 months and I gave him an ultimatum about seeing the other woman.
We didn't divorce for some years. He moved in with his mum initially and would visit the girls once a week. People said to me how could I let him in the house but my reply was that the girls needed to see him so what else could I do. One was six years old and the other was three months. I also think I still relied on him a bit. I probably still hoped that he would come back but that stopped when he moved in with the other woman. She then dumped him a year later and yes, I did laugh.
We only officially divorced once his then girlfriend and now second wife kicked off about us still being married. He doesn't see the girls as much as he should now but its not easy, he lives the other side of London and is coping with his mum having dementia.
Financially he has been amazing, I can't fault him there. I started thinking though when for the first time ever he completely forgot my birthday, is it actually a friendship? My conclusion is that, despite what it might appear from the outside, it is not a friendship. I would term it as a working relationship. We have children together so I can't cut him off and I need to enable him to be part of their help and to be able to ask for help with regards to them if I need it. So it's like having a colleague at work. You smile and chat and maybe share a joke or two but it goes no further than that.
So to answer my question, no I don't think you can ever be friends with an ex unless you are someone like Gwyneth Paltrow or Kourtney Kardashian, but you can be friendly with an ex especially if you have children. It's sad in some ways as my ex was my best friend for many years but he's not the man I thought he was. Maybe it’s healthier mentally not to be friends as friends would share things that you wouldn’t necessarily want to share with an ex. Being on friendly terms though has helped my girls keep a relationship with him and has meant that he supported me when necessary. That's important and is probably all you can expect to achieve in these circumstances, It's also probably the healthiest way to handle things.
A bit of a thoughtful post here so sorry if anyone finds it depressing. I did say that this blog would cover a multitude of subjects and this was just on my mind at the moment. I promise the next one may be more upbeat.
Speak to you soon
Love Erica xxx
We had a truly hideous break up, it was like an Eastenders plot. At eight months pregnant, I hacked my then husbands phone and found conclusive evidence of his affair. I, after the initial shock, wanted to try and work things out whereas he sat me down and told me how many different affairs he'd had. Anyway, we stumbled on through the birth of our daughter and he eventually left when she was 3 months and I gave him an ultimatum about seeing the other woman.
We didn't divorce for some years. He moved in with his mum initially and would visit the girls once a week. People said to me how could I let him in the house but my reply was that the girls needed to see him so what else could I do. One was six years old and the other was three months. I also think I still relied on him a bit. I probably still hoped that he would come back but that stopped when he moved in with the other woman. She then dumped him a year later and yes, I did laugh.
We only officially divorced once his then girlfriend and now second wife kicked off about us still being married. He doesn't see the girls as much as he should now but its not easy, he lives the other side of London and is coping with his mum having dementia.
Financially he has been amazing, I can't fault him there. I started thinking though when for the first time ever he completely forgot my birthday, is it actually a friendship? My conclusion is that, despite what it might appear from the outside, it is not a friendship. I would term it as a working relationship. We have children together so I can't cut him off and I need to enable him to be part of their help and to be able to ask for help with regards to them if I need it. So it's like having a colleague at work. You smile and chat and maybe share a joke or two but it goes no further than that.
So to answer my question, no I don't think you can ever be friends with an ex unless you are someone like Gwyneth Paltrow or Kourtney Kardashian, but you can be friendly with an ex especially if you have children. It's sad in some ways as my ex was my best friend for many years but he's not the man I thought he was. Maybe it’s healthier mentally not to be friends as friends would share things that you wouldn’t necessarily want to share with an ex. Being on friendly terms though has helped my girls keep a relationship with him and has meant that he supported me when necessary. That's important and is probably all you can expect to achieve in these circumstances, It's also probably the healthiest way to handle things.
A bit of a thoughtful post here so sorry if anyone finds it depressing. I did say that this blog would cover a multitude of subjects and this was just on my mind at the moment. I promise the next one may be more upbeat.
Speak to you soon
Love Erica xxx
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