Do you like yourself?

 Do you like yourself? Honestly? Completely? If you looked in the mirror, would you think oh I’m ok but I wish I was slimmer, my boobs were bigger or I had a different nose? Or I wish I was more outgoing or more like my friend. 

 

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. As women we are fed an ideal of what we should look like, how we should think and how we should act. Anyone who is a little bit different will frequently find themselves on the outside. I know because this has happened to me most of my life. A childhood dominated by an emotionally abusive mother, unpopular at school with only a couple of friends. I would basically reinvent myself in their likeness to try and keep their friendship. Finding out that my natural father had run off before I was born didn’t help. I felt that. I must have been unloveable before I was even born. This feeling didn’t diminish as I got older. I was in a relationship with my ex husband for 3  years before we got engaged and. It was another 4 years after that until we got married. I’d see other couples get engaged and married after a year again id think what’s wrong with me? Am I not as loveable? 

 

When I found out my ex husband was cheating, I looked online for advice. All the husbands in these cases had been apologetic, regretful and keen to put things right. Not mine! All I got was a oh sorry. Once again I turned the blame inwards and thought it must be my fault that he didn’t want to try unlike all those other husbands.

 

That feeling of isolation, sadness and of not being quite good enough grew over the years of single parenting. It’s hard to feel like a charity case and incredibly hard to turn up at things with just your kids. I’ve always found it hard to make new friends and this made it worse. I did try, honestly but the feeling of not quite fitting in was always there. 

 

So I ate and I ate and I ate. If I was unloveable then I didn’t care about myself so it didn’t matter. A psychologist would probably say I was eating my feelings but I think it was more a case of using the food to push down my feelings inside. 

 

I did at least have my kids and I have to admit there was part of me pleased to think that they loved me more than their dad. Although I did fight to make him maintain a relationship with them as I’ve always just wanted what was best for them.

 

As I said at the beginning this is something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. I’ve been reading an amazing book by Glennon Doyle called Untamed. It’s made me see how I need to change my perspective on how I view life. Yes, I had a difficult childhood but I overcame it. I might not have had many friends at school but this can apply to a lot of people. Finally although I had a marriage that broke down in Armageddon like circumstances, I came through it and my kids have thrived. I’m not unloveable, I’m a warrior!

 

I might have emotional scars but I will wear them now as badges of honour to show that I have come through the fire. No more hiding my opinions or views, everything I say and think is valid. I’m not saying this is a sudden cure but I’m looking for progress not perfection. If I keep working on liking myself and my self worth, it will grow and build. If I can do it then so can you. We are all warriors! 

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