Tolerated

It may seem strange, but this post was actually inspired by a Taylor Swift track. I was so excited when she released the Evermore album and could not wait to listen to it. It was when I got to track 5, Tolerate It, that it hit me. I instantly could relate to the song and when I read the comments on YouTube, I was struck by how different people had related to the song in different ways. Some talked of past relationships, some of their parents and some even thought it related to Princess Diana. I started thinking of how we often do accept one sided relationships where we put in all the effort without it being reciprocated. 

 

I was genuinely shocked to realise that this may have been an ongoing theme throughout my life. This saddened me but also gave me clarity as situations and relationships that had made me sad at times or sometimes even constantly, suddenly made sense and I could see exactly what was wrong. 

 

My relationship with my mother was often troubled but I had never doubted her love for me….. until now. My mother was irrational, controlling, generous and in many ways self centred. My achievements were never shouted about unless it was as a reflection on her as a parent. She interfered in my marriage and even followed us on holiday one year. I remember when I got married that she was terribly upset that people did not congratulate her as mother of the bride. Conversely, she loved my now e-husband and we always joked that she loved him more than me. I bent over backwards to please her, was actually frightened of upsetting her, sacrificed every Christmas to keep her and my mother in law happy, tried in so many different ways to please her and make her proud and never ever got the desired reaction. I can now see that she tolerated my efforts but did not appreciate them.

 

My marriage started off fine even though I did not know at the time that my husband was a consistent cheater. I can see that that grew into a level of tolerance though. I would try to engage him in conversation and could literally see his attention wander. He slowly shut me out and although I was always his biggest cheerleader and supported all his schemes, most of which he never managed to finish, he definitely tolerated my efforts rather than appreciating them. Eventually we split up in rather horrific circumstances involving me being just about to give birth and my dad dying.

 

I have even noticed certain friends, who when you talk to them at a party or other social event will appear to be listening to you, but you gradually become aware that they have one eye on looking for someone else to talk that they might find more interesting. To some extent, even my kids do it although they would definitely deny it!

 

So, how do we solve this problem of allowing those people close to us to get away with just tolerating us instead of celebrating us? Do we call them out about it? Do we cut them out of our lives? I do not have an easy answer and I think it is harder to dal with if you naturally are a people pleaser. Let’s face it, we all want to please the people who are closest to us because we love them and value them. It is so important though to not settle and to make sure that they value you equally too. I think the starting point for this comes from self worth and self esteem. Something I know I struggle with and have done from an incredibly early age. The older I get though, the more certain I become that I will not settle anymore! I have cut people off and I would not hesitate to do it again. 

 

In some ways feeling that you are being tolerated can be worse than someone actually treating you badly as daily you can feel yourself die a little bit inside. So, you try even harder, but the feeling does not go away and eventually you just feel that you have lost yourself and that idea of who you are.

 

To quote Taylor again “I know my love should be celebrated” so do not let anyone make you feel that you are just being put up with and tolerated. We are all worth so much more then that!