My story of the impact of sexual assault and rape on families

 The tragic case of Sarah Everard has brought the sexual harassment and abuse that women must deal with in their day to day lives to the forefront of public attention. I have been both deeply moved and horrified by stories shared on Twitter. I found myself thinking more and more about Sarah’s family and the unimaginable grief that they are enduring. 

 

My daughter is a survivor of rape. I will not call her a victim; she is a survivor who has risen above what happened to her. I will not go into the details, that is her story to share not mine, but I felt compelled to talk about how what happened has impacted on me and the rest of her family. You see, rape does not just hurt one person.

 

She told me over the phone the next morning. She was at university and it was not feasible for me to get to her immediately I remember that phone call as an almost out of body experience to me. I stayed calm, talked about practicalities with her and made sure she was not alone. When the call ended, I just disintegrated. I just remember sitting down and howling. I am her mum; my life has been spent making sure she was safe. I was not there, I had not been able to stop this; I felt, strange as it may seem, that I had let her down.

 

We spoke again that evening. She had gone through an invasive clinic visit and her friend had found a charity that helped rape victims for her to contact. She wanted to stay at university until she had seen them. I just desperately wanted to get her home. Get her back in the house with me where she would be safe.

 

In the end, she came home two days later. We had an hour-long phone call the night before. She had to decide whether to go to the police or not. She’d had swabs taken but the charity said it was her decision. Although my first instinct was to string the bastard up and cut off his genitals, I also had to consider my daughter’s fragile state of mind and how she would deal with a court case. We both knew how hard it would be on her.  The justice system does not make it particularly easy for rape victims. She had been drinking that night. She had a busy social life, and we knew those things would probably be used against her. I shut off my emotions, stayed calm and just tried to discuss the facts with her. I told her it was her decision, and I would support her whatever and she finally decided she could not deal with reporting it. 

 

My daughter also did not know that, from the little information I had, I had tried to identify the rapist. I failed but would have paid someone to hurt him if I could have done so. I know that is wrong, but I do not care, he hurt my baby and I had a visceral need for vengeance.

 

When she came home, we did not mention the R word, it was the “attack” or the “assault”. I took my lead from her. I think I also found it hard to say. I had a horrible conversation with my ex-husband as she could not face telling her dad herself. All he wanted to know was if she was ok. I don’t think he has ever spoken to her about it.

 

My daughter wanted to just carry on with her life so after a couple of weeks she returned to university. Basically, we glossed over what had happened, but it was always still there! She tried to numb herself to forget it and I became overprotective particularly with her younger sister.

 

Then #MeToo happened and my daughter felt inspired to tell her story. Writing about it and going to demos helped her to finally start to heal. The scar tissue will always be there for her but, as I said before, she is a survivor and has not let this define her. I am incredibly proud of her strength and wisdom. She had to find her own way to heal though. Counselling and support for victims of rape is sparse and with incredibly long waiting lists. There is no counselling for families of rape victims. We have to find our own way of stumbling through the darkness and try to help and support our loved ones.

 

As for me, I still have that maternal sense of guilt that I could not protect her that night. I could not stop it happening. I cried today talking to her about as I still feel that I let her down. I am also so incredibly grateful that she is still here with me today and I do not have to go through the same loss as Sarah Everard’s family.

 

RIP Sarah