Fear and Fatigue

 I didn’t expect to feel so tired when I haven’t even started treatment yet and I’m still 10 days from surgery. Apparently Damien the bastard tumour may be releasing proteins into my bloodstream that can cause fatigue, that’s nothing to do with it spreading, by the way. Also I’m taking no supplements at the moment so my hormones are completely mental which may account for some of the fatigue. Plus stress is probably another factor!

As for fear. It’s there all the time. After diagnosis I had to go to bed completely exhausted so my mind didn’t start the spiral of blind panic. Now it’s pretty much a constant low level of fear with moments still of knee trembling terror.

I think it’s normal to be scared and also I’m not good at waiting for things. It’s also a lack of control and fear of the unknown. So much depends on the surgery. It goes well with clear margins and my treatment plan simplifies. Worse case scenario means another 8 hour surgery with 12 weeks recovery. Then chemo, radiotherapy and hormone therapy. I think losing my hair would finally crack me! The thought is enough to make me want to cry. 

The way I’m trying to deal with the fear though is through preparation. I’ve researched cold capping, have bookmarked wigs and exercises to cut chance of lymphoedema which I’m at  high risk for after the surgery.

I’m also trying to focus on things to do at the end of this fucking awful journey! Because I will reach the end, no matter how many detours or how long it takes me!!


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